“At a time when we are all a little fragile... it’s OK to be just OKAY,” says Tinesh Chhaya, a forty something Asian man who lives in the London suburbs with his wife and two daughters. It is an unsaid truth and a deep rooted stigma in the Asian community that men cannot have mental health issues. The community views it as a “notion of shame” if men are diagnosed or show symptoms of deteriorating mental health.
Fortunately, Tinesh thinks otherwise. He posted two videos on dealing with mental health issues, especially among men who refrain from accepting that they need therapy or some time aside for self-reflection. Tinesh recognises the fact that the pandemic brought an array of issues with it, one of them being -- locked down with your family. He calls it a holiday at home where you’re stuck with your own family for an “undisclosed amount of time”. Friction is bound to happen, he accepts. His wife works for one of the biggest consulting firms in the UK and Tinesh is a new digital entrepreneur. “It’s like a pressure cooker. Every now and then someone explodes. You have to give time out to people,” he says. Tinesh has been listening to heartbreaking stories about people whose mental health wasn’t too good during these times and he affirms that it’s okay if the children aren’t up by 9 am or they’re in their pyjamas at 5 pm. “Don't become a Pendu or Laddoo, but give each other some space,” he adds.
The Asian Stigma
Speaking of the stigma among Asian and Indian men on mental health, he says, “That’s something we have to change. It comes from cultures. If you’re having a bad day, talk about it. You got to be comfortable sharing and it comes from the ego.” Tinesh accepts that it is about pride in many cases. He explains that when you’re self employed you may have dark days or panic attacks. He attributes it to the fact that most Asian-Indian people are conditioned to work all the time. There’s no other option. Born and raised in Coventry, Tinesh Chhaya was raised by parents who left Kenya in 1971 around the time Idi Amin Oumee, a cruel military officer also known as the "Butcher of Uganda" was expelling all Asians from Uganda. “My parents came to the UK with very little like so many other Asians at that time. They worked very hard everyday to ensure that me, my older brother and younger sister had a great life. From a very young age I was working with my father in his shop, then at 16, alongside my mother in the women's clothes shop, followed by a string of part time restaurant jobs. At 18, I moved to London and worked all the way through University working in the University canteen serving my friends in the evening as they socialised,” he quotes on his website bio.
The Thursday club
Unlike many Asian men who still live with the stigma of coping with mental health issues, Tinesh has had a solid support group in his nine friends whom he’s known for more than seventeen years now. He says, “All of these guys have a very similar mindset. All of them are business people. Hanging out with them over the years, every Thursday we’ve talked, we’ve asked questions of how is it going and how are you. We gave time and respect to each other. I’m recognising that I’m fortunate to know these guys.” Tinesh adds that he knows people who do not have that mechanism to release or let it out and they can’t go anywhere. “Then it compounds,” he says, as he explains how these bottled up feelings manifest into sleeping and breathing problems.
Start journaling
“You’re gonna have self doubt but you’ve got to self reflect and put it into perspective,” he says as he emphasises over writing journals. Furthering his advice to men about journaling, he says, “Guys find journalling to be flaky. But it’s a quite powerful thing. When I have a negative thought, I put it on paper. You’ll know where you are mentally if you write them down. Don’t make any decision when you're in a bad place. Be honest with your self reflection. I don’t punish myself If I don’t do a certain thing because nothing is foolproof.”
