Never mind the latest iPhone or next shiny dating app,Vena, a leading media relationship expert is on the scene to revamp the higher values of romance, human interaction and salubrious sex life. Her signature approach is one of warmth and wisdom and has been hailed as holistic. Currently the co-host of Channel 4’s show, Seven Year Switch, a programme which has taken “4 couples whose relationships were in trouble to Thailand for 2 weeks, and switched their respective partners,” Vena is establishing the combined power of emotional healing and the physical traditions of the Kama Sutra and classical Indian dance for the ‘passion coaching’ mainstream. “You can ascertain a lot from the way couples relate to each other physically and in the bedroom,” the PhD graduate in Philosophy, Gender and Classical Indian Dance shared openly with us. “The way bodies interact and communicate tell me everything I need to know about the whole relationship. From a Yogic perspective, what happens during sex is that your ‘prana’ becomes subtly intertwined with another’s. This basically means you can no longer hide yourself. Sexual interaction is the beating heart of a relationship and everything is reflected in that. I came to the study of relationships through dance so this has honed my affiliation with romance quite intuitively.” So, it seems if touch and tactile love is missing from your relationship, you might at once be experiencing romantic dysfunction day to day. “As I’ve observed, especially with one couple, Nicky and Simon, on our show, Seven Year Switch, relationships suffer when there is a lack of healthy communication,” Vena continued. “A lot of the time people know they need to communicate but they simply don’t know how. Walls can go up and become difficult to surmount. One needs to identify where the issue lies and talk through it, or they’ll find themselves falling into repeated arguments. The trick is to understand where that resentment is coming from and then carefully talk it through.” Vena has proactively devised a 5-step guide, including writing down a clear script on important talking points, to help couples accomplish this to be found here : http://venaramphal.com/media/2018-03-15-free-guide-difficult-conversations-made-easy-in-5-simple-steps.“Sometimes the underlying problem can be as small as your partner always leaving the toothpaste cap off or stems from bigger issues such as how you approach savings and finance.”
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Indeed, the end goal of pulling the relationship switcheroo on Channel 4’s Seven Year Switch is to “help the individuals better themselves and identify what they might have been doing wrong in their prior relationships” by giving them perspective. “It’s a good opportunity to look at relationship dynamics under a microscope,” Vena added. “It’s obviously an intense setting and this means we can really tease out the issues.” Interestingly, Vena has also counselled many celebrity couples, appeared on several radio and tv segments, and led many relationship-focussed workshops, classes and retreats. She necessarily resonates with people at a deep and personal level. “My aim is always authenticity. It isn’t about what is morally right or wrong, but what is true to the situation. What really works for you in a couple? A lot of the complication with love in modern times arises with the advent of technology. People switch each other off and stop relating to each other significantly. They are too busy being glued to their screens and do not spend enough time with each other. My rule is no phones in the bedroom! It fosters alienation instead of understanding and connection. We need a digital detox!” In fact, Vena went further to assert that the pitfalls of monotony and routine have less to do with being overly familiar with and more to do with overlooking a partner: “I don’t believe you can become ‘too’ acquainted. You can be familiar with someone’s habits and patterns but you might not be connected to them – in fact, those can become a convenient distraction. The answer is in the quality of attention: the sort of attention a couple might have paid each other when they first started dating.” Vena’s incisive vision and thorough knowledge of her subject area also comes from her own journey and discovery of the importance of self-growth. “I actually went through a particularly difficult divorce in my early thirties and it really taught me the feel of a healthy relationship. It was better to let go of heavy emotional chains, and courageously take the first steps forward to find someone better suited. There is such a stigma around break-ups and divorce, especially in the South Asian community, but these are just as necessary to cultivating an eventually good relationship as focussing on the ways in which closeness can be enhanced. The trajectory can be messy but that’s fine. It’s how we navigate it that matters. Newly divorced women, in particular, can start glowing when they truly embrace a split. The emotions are cathartic and when they flow, they result in a sort of freedom. The heart does not line up feelings neatly and move them on. Practically, you’ve got to grieve and learn from what we’re feeling. People want a fairy-tale homestead but this has to have a firm foundation.” Throwing divorce parties alongside the gentle tips and offering of therapeutic support, Vena then epitomises her great grasp of an interconnecting inner landscape. If you can be honest with yourself in your entirety, she shows us, you can achieve a meaningful intimacy with someone else.
What is a chief cause of stagnation in relationships?
I envisage a couple standing next to each other. We want another person to look in the same direction with: in terms of career, family and social life. We get caught up on the treadmill of life and do not then spend enough time facing each other. It doesn’t matter how successful you are, if you don’t check in, you’ll begin to drift apart.
Can you give a celebrity couple who are good role models?
We are all human and have similar issues and so you never really know with people in the spotlight. They have the same worries as the rest of us. We do tend to project our fears and insecurities onto others and so a better response to this Q is to urge people to stay compassionate and keep looking at themselves.
What are some good, go-to signifiers of a healthy relationship?
Smiling, laughter and just feeling bubbly; a sense of romance. Do you get a cheeky, playful feeling when you think of your partner? Without being dependent on them, do they generally improve your self-esteem and make you feel good about who you are in a grounded, healthy way? If you’re feeling diminished in any way it’s not good for you; a sense of ease is important too. That’s not to say becoming lazy around someone, but just that they allow you to feel alright in your own skin. Finally, know your deal-breakers and your boundaries.
Do you do much work with women rights?
Everyone should be treated with respect and love. Each person needs to be recognised in their full humanity, and perhaps informed by my dance background, I’m more an artist than an activist. I help women feel a strong sense of awakening in workshops and teach impeachable regard for the body. Many women are in psychologically, even physically, abusive relationships and don’t even know it. It’s normalised.
Finally, what’s your favourite part of the profession?
Plugging people back into themselves, from self-care to discovering their inner beauty. It’s satisfying to see people smile more and see a new lightness in their step. Helping them regain mastery of their life and joy.
Seven Year Switch is now airing on C4 every week on Tuesdays at 9.15pm.
