Of Diwali

Tuesday 28th October 2014 12:28 EDT

“Dearest Lakshmiji,
Another Diwali is over. Thank you so much for all your blessings. Thank you for making sure I got so many invites to all the Indian events this year, so I didn’t just have to watch them all on Facebook.
Although, Lakshmiji, it really reduces the value of the invitations when all my Facebook friends are going to such events. It’s not very exclusive to meet the PM when everyone I know on Facebook is seeing him too at the same event. So please Lakshmiji remember, wealth is not about how much I have, but how much I have more than others.
Thank you also for all the Awards I won this year. With your blessings of wealth I was able to buy lots through my PR firm. I have to say, even my 32nd Award for being fabulous feels like the first one. Of course unlike the first one, I no longer needed to bribe the judges – what a saving that is.
Thank you Lakshmiji for the important things in life, like raising property prices in Little India – ‘Mayfair’. My home earnt more than me this year.
Thank you Lakshmiji for all the needy people and not removing poverty – it meant there were so many worthy charity causes this year. I felt so powerful and important. I can’t remember the causes, but I know everyone was terribly poor, or ill…or poor and ill. Or hungry, or poor and hungry and ill. But anyways, thank you for letting me do my part by being there and showing my support to them in their poverty. Park Lane hotels are just perfect for these causes.
Thank you Lakshmiji for my business success. We now thanks to low costs in India employ so many people on so little wages that my profits have gone through the roof, and when routed via Switzerland, I have a lovely family home just a few hundred miles from central London.
Thank you for my health Lakshmiji, despite my drinking I hardly put on any weight and although some people think I have a problem, I don’t really, it’s just that I’m blessed and celebrate, celebrate a lot.
Thank you Lakshmiji for wisdom. The wisdom to know one must think about the poor and less fortunate. Wisdom to know one should pray and be grateful for one’s wealth – because thinking alone won’t make you rich.
Now Lakshmiji, I need one more thing from you this year. I really want to be in the House of Lords. All the rich people are. I used to be able to show off about where I lived, all my rich friends on FB, and my Bentley, and my Rich List ranking, but now every Indian has all of that. So I need to be a member of the House of Lords before they really open the immigrant floodgates and it’s still a bit exclusive.
I don’t know what they do there, but I know it’s to do with laws, and I’ve always known what everyone should do, and so I just want to make the laws. Please Lakshmiji for next Diwali and if not your department please ask Ganeshji.”
Alpesh Patel

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