How does the millennial dating culture transcend from swiping right on online dating apps to the need for counselling?
They say there is plenty of fish in the sea...or the phrase in the age of social media is perhaps plenty of men or women on dating apps. A generation of lovers have graduated from the universities of Instagram and Facebook. Now they are quite often seen dealing with the “loneliness” epidemic on dating apps such as Tindr and Bumble. But while these dating apps on the face of it appear to be selling us happiness, some experts believe that they lead to a downward spiral in our emotional and perhaps mental health as well. Despite the huge popularity of dating apps - and the millions of success stories worldwide - many users report that some apps make them feel low and experience self-doubt.
‘A great way to meet new people’
Rahul* (name changed upon request) has endured two unsuccessful relationships throughout his university. Originally from Manchester, he recently moved to London for his new job. Having been single for nearly a year now, he has resorted to the comfort of these dating apps. He says,
“My friends told me it was a great way to meet new people. And initially, it was quite a lot of fun. Sure the conversations are slightly awkward in the beginning when you are still figuring what the other person is looking for “Netflix and chill” or something more profound.
“I have been on several dates but after a while it became boring and I would end up deleting the App. But it’s like some sort of addiction on a Sunday morning when you don’t have any plans with your friends and you just want some sort of a distraction from work. Anything but work.”
As is a common perception, dating apps are quite often frowned upon by the older generation in the South Asian culture. Therefore, most youngsters prefer not to have this discussion with their parents. Especially, if the relationships fostered on these platforms are usually focussed on the friends with benefits pattern. Whilst the lack of emotional attachment from his partner and detachment from his family sometimes affects him, Rahul also speaks about issues around racism and body-positivity. He says,
"These Apps are mostly very superficial. Some women swipe right but they don’t reply to your messages. And in cases of people of ethnic backgrounds at the risk of generalising, most brown women are seen as “exotic” while men without abs are not that of a great catch. It is sometimes depressing and leads you to start questioning yourself. I had even started contemplating joining a gym after one of my dates hinted around it but when it didn’t work, I just couldn’t be bothered.”
61% LGBTQ+ experienced racism on online dating apps
In 2018, a poll of 200,000 iPhone users by non-profit organisation Time Well Spent found that dating app Grindr topped a list of apps that made people feel most unhappy, with 77% of users admitting it made them feel miserable. Tinder ranked in the ninth place. However, dating apps are not the sole crucifiers to be blamed for the breakdown in relationships and the subsequent emotional well-being quotient. Recent Research by Stonewall shows that 61% of ethnic minority LGBTQ+ people have experienced racism through online dating apps or in person.
Picking up myself with counselling and medication
Naman Parvaiz is a visual merchandiser in the fashion industry from West London and works for a high-street brand he wishes not to name. He identifies himself as gay and is currently single after being in three unsuccessful relationships. Whilst he does not feel comfortable in delving into the details surrounding his relationship with his partner, he explains the emotional toll the fallout of the relationship had taken on him. He says,
“As an open homosexual, I was with someone who wasn’t out publicly. He would give me one excuse after another for not coming out at that time. He would admit to being gay only within the four walls of the room. But if I met his friends, I would be just his “friend” as opposed to being his partner.
“When we broke up, I fell into depression. I let him go and I isolated myself socially. I stayed in bed for most of the day because I felt unworthy and not good enough. He made me feel that way.
“But eventually, I pulled myself out of that phase through counseling and medication. I also had a great support network and friends who picked me up. I don’t want to divulge into the details as the subject is still raw for me. But I like to think of positive things.”
Challenges of coming out
Some British South Asian gay men may face significant psychological distress as a result of parental or societal rejection due to their sexual orientation. British Muslims launched their first-ever pride festival at a time when the community is ‘under attack more than ever’. European charity Imaan, which supports LGBTQI+ Muslims, will have the first-ever LGBTQI+ Muslim pride event held in London in April this year. The festival hopes to celebrate what it means to be LGTBQI+ and Muslim and how they do ‘not have to choose’ between both identities. LGBTQI charity Imaan is putting on the event to mark the 20 years it’s spent supporting lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-Muslims.
Imaan Fest aims to provide a safe-space for LGBTQI+ Muslims who are often subjected to prejudice and even hate crimes. Speaking about the challenges of coming out, Parvaiz says,
“I debuted on Television in Desi Rascals in 2015 on Sky Living. But I had to leave the show prematurely due to complaints from the Muslim community. Following the death threats, I quit the show for my own welfare. An ideal job for me is to be a Television presenter.
“I now listen to music and focus on myself. I am a habitual singer which relaxes me and takes my mind off things. Always go with your gut instinct. Know your self-worth. And although, it is you and your partner’s prerogative to be as private as possible. Never be ashamed of who you are.”
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