The curious case of caspering, ghosting and communication breakdown in the new lexicon of dating culture and why we need to start having conversations about break-ups and relationships with our families?
Friday evening, you have checked your phone twice. You count the hours when you messaged him and then decide to head to his social media profile to monitor his activity. The question? Why has he not replied to your message? The implicit one reeling in your mind: Have I been ghosted? With the inception of social media and dating apps, read receipts and socially acceptable stalking, a whole new confusing dating lexicon has emerged.
Ghosting, double-texting and ghostbusting
Ghosting is defined as when you casually ignore someone’s existence and messages. Then there is ghostbusting when you force them to reply by double-texting them or spamming them with calls and comments on their Instagram posts?
“There have been times when I reached the bar and my date decided to text me that “he was not feeling it tonight”. It is frustrating and you internally churn that anger because you start questioning why did you put all this effort to dress up for him or why did you play it easy for him. You start thinking that you had been too easy and maybe you should have made him sweat for all your attention.
“I have been stood up on dates and it is not a pleasant experience needless to say. Earlier, I used to depend on my friends...text them and forcibly plan something with them just to distract myself from the humiliation of being stood up. But that leads to further disappointment because you tend to rub off your unhappiness on others. Instead now, if ever something of nature happens then I head to the nearest bar, treat myself to a lavish drink and then head home” says Anjali* (name changed on the condition of anonymity).
Conversations around dating and mental health
However, going back home serves no respite for Anjali who stays alone in her studio flat in Canary Wharf. Uncomfortable in initiating such conversations with her parents back in Birmingham, she has considered counselling for herself but never had the courage or the time to walk into the NHS and ask for help. Instead, she chooses to sometimes call up The Samaritans and offload to a voluntary friend. She chooses not to confide in her friends for the fear of being judged and often, therefore, follows a cycle where she resumes swiping right on Tindr in the hopes of having a conversation with someone who may empathise with her.
According to eHarmony, 54 per cent of singles in the UK have said that they have struggled with poor mental health after being ghosted but it is no longer taboo to talk about it. Now, there is no data to highlight the experiences of British Asian youngsters but generally, these subjects are usually brushed under the carpet and not the conversations to be had at the dinner tables.
“I and my family have always been quite open and maintain a friendly relation where we can speak about these subjects. But I do have a lot of friends for whom these things can be extremely difficult and I think more awareness needs to be raised about the significance of talking and sharing,” said Sneha* (name changed upon request).
Sneha’s story, however, is quite different from that of Anjali and perhaps the stark opposite. Sneha was engaged to be married to her boyfriend. Just four months before their D-day, on New Year’s eve, her partner decided to call it quits.
“We were friends for a couple of years and then one thing led to another. We started dating and then a year and a half into it he proposed. I said yes because I thought that this was the one. You know when you feel you will be happy and everything will be a fun ride?
“Then on the New Years’ Eve, he decided to call me up and tell me that he didn’t want to go through with it. I still remember it was 08:30 am and not the best start to the year for any of us. So I tried to ask him what happened. At that time neither of us were in the right headspace to go into the details which I think I am now okay with.
“But I think over time, he gradually became more unhappy. I don’t know if he was displeased with himself or if it was me who led to his unhappiness but it didn’t feel right and he called it off.”
“I called my parents who stay in London and I had moved out of there. So they weren’t close by either. Their first reaction to this news was that I was joking. But the moment they realised it wasn’t a prank, they hurried to my place and were with me in two hours,” she explains.
Caspering and self-worth
This new trend is labelled by dating experts as “caspering”. Named after the fictional child phantom, it’s a friendly alternative to ghosting. Instead of ignoring someone, you are honest about how you feel, and let them down gently before disappearing from their lives. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. Psychologists argue that this recent trend at least brings the benefit of dissolving a relationship when that spark has gone missing instead of forcibly continuing with fake happiness that can have negative impacts on the mental and emotional quotient of both partners. However, it continues to chip away at the self-worth and confidence of those on the receiving end. Focussing on your passion, hobbies and having a support system helps you to come out of these situations.
Sneha has now dedicated her time and energy to her passion for dancing which leaves little time for her to focus on anything else. Speaking about coping mechanisms, she says,
“My knee-jerk reaction was anger and a being full of self-doubt. I started questioning why he did this? As far as I was aware things were headed in the right direction. We had picked out our wedding bands, jewellery, and accessories. And this sudden decision messed me up. I started blaming myself and even today there is a part of me that keeps wondering we could have done better and put in more effort to hold this relationship together, but you learn from it.
“I realized that there were some people who I had been unconsciously or involuntarily going out of touch with and they started coming around. So, I focussed more on those relationships and support systems. I had also left my dance group. Now, I have re-joined them and I have immersed myself into the art of dancing so I don’t have time to focus on anything else.
"It did feel like we were like passing ships but more due to our own timings I think. The slightly superficial conversations seemed like a by-product of us both being tired and not really having energy to talk properly about things. Looking back I can definitely see that we may not have been on the same wavelength about some things, but most things seemed good."
