On Tuesday 7th January, the government triggered the biggest shake-up of divorce laws seen in the last 50 years by re-introducing the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Bill in Parliament. This move follows a recent report published by Marriage Foundation which estimated that divorce rates across England and Wales are expected to drop to as low as 22.5%. According to official figures, the number of divorces in England and Wales fell below 100,000 a year in 2018 for the first time in nearly 50 years. No clear data is indicating the number of British Asian couples who are facing troubles in their marriage. However, divorce in the Asian community is often stigmatised with women under certain circumstances being shunned from society and isolated from their family.
Minreet Kaur had entered into a “semi-arranged” marriage with a man she had met through a Gurudwara in west London. Within a year of her marriage, she had divorced her husband and gone back home. She says,
“There were lots of issues with him and his immediate family. You never know someone until you live with them. He drank excessively and also was a compulsive liar. We didn't get on at all and were two completely different people.”
Divorce is shameful in the Sikh community, especially for women. The 2018 British Sikh Report says that 4% have been divorced and another 1% have separated. For years after her marriage had fallen apart, she had faced the brunt of being ostracised in the community and hardly had any social life. She said,
“I only received support from my parents while the community frowned upon divorcees. I went to a marriage counsellor and that didn't help. I tried everything I could to get support but Asian families do not understand when a couple is having issues that sometimes it is just a case of going your separate ways. I managed to cope through my prayers and meditation that gave me strength.”
Generational divide: Tolerance as opposed to mental peace
Perhaps, Minreet's divorce best illustrates the intersectionality between the generational and cultural divide that exists along with these subjects. The forefathers and grandparents emphasise on building tolerance in a relationship and blame the younger generation for their “committment issues”. Whilst the millennials tend to prioritise their emotional and mental well-being after attempting to weed through their issues. However, this stark divide, Minreet says is most pronounced through the community. She says,
“Most of the people in the community reacted very negatively upon hearing of my divorce. They looked down at me. Even today, they don't understand what divorce means, they just think you should stay together regardless of how unhappy you are. When I got divorced I didn't know anyone else divorced and even friends don't want to help you. I had one close friend who supported me and had my back but other people just think you are used goods. People didn't want to help you get through it but instead, ask questions about what happened and why you can't go back and make it work.”
But aside from the community, some psychologists believe that families and their ideas around traditions play an integral role in the sustenance or the wreckage of the marriages. Mamta Saha a psychologist based in London and Dubai says,
Relationship counselling: Discussions around lack of sexual intimacy a taboo
“Asian couples who come to counselling face a lot of challenges because of ingrained traditions that are often reinforced by the family members who are very involved in the couple's life. Other issues include living with in-laws where women have spoken about being disrespected and patronised by the family members. Emotional games, power struggles and issues around intimacy often drive these women to counselling.”
She further highlights how some Asian couples shy away from discussing issues around their sex life. Talking about lack of intimate relationships continues to be a taboo among some women who despite living in a progressive British society often brush these concerns under the carpet. Recounting a case study of one of her clients, Saha says,
“I once had a woman who confided that her husband only ever initiated a sexual relationship between them to impregnate her. That woman has had two children and now her husband wants a third but they have no intimacy. The idea of having a third child for her is very uncomfortable but she can hardly speak about it with anyone in her family.
“Nobody talks about sex before or during marriage. As a community, we need to wake up and educate our children about having sex and the responsibilities that ensue with marriage and parenthood. In an Asian community, one tends to get married for a host of reasons such that intimacy is quite often left along the sidelines and neglected.”
Social media support and MeetUp groups
Whilst there have been counsellors and lawyers, talking the Asian couples and families through the emotional, financial and mental distress of divorce procedures, online platforms are also aplenty. Social media platforms where women gather and support each other by organising group events and meetings have also sprung up in the last few years. One such group on MeetUp includes 300 women, who have gone through or going through a divorce/separation or are suffering from the loss of a spouse. They often plan and host multiple fun events with and without kids regularly and some of these include sessions around hiking, dancing, dinners, socializing, festival parties, kids play dates, movies, Antakshari, birthday parties among others. In the meantime, psychologists such as Mamta Saha recommend individuals to work on their happiness index to cope through the emotional distress of a divorce. She says,
“My greatest piece of advice is to continue trying. Working on yourself is more important than working on your marriage. If you are not happy, and if you have expectations that are not being met then it has got to do with you. Yes, the other person may be playing a part in that and triggering an emotional outburst but at the end of the day, the onus of managing your emotional well-being primarily lies on you.
“A coping mechanism is to remember one's self-worth and potential. Detaching yourself from negative forces and the toxic environment is difficult because you will have social commitments and obligations but it is imperative for your mental peace that you know where to draw a line. You have to be mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually strong to be able to confront such forces.”
Minreet has now vowed to help as many other women as possible and today as she continues to challenge the stigma associated with being a divorcee she emphasises,
“My message to anyone who is going through a similar phase is to be strong, and not be afraid to tell people you're divorced and don't feel ashamed. Reach out to other people in similar situations and to those out there who judge divorced people even today, I ask:
“What is the difference between those who have dated one or two or more people than someone divorced? They still have had a relationship with someone!”
In the meantime, the new Bill will allow for so-called no-fault divorces and remove the ability of one party to trap the other in marriage by contesting an application for divorce. It will remove this ‘blame game’ by allowing one spouse - or the couple jointly - to make a statement of irretrievable breakdown. The Bill was first introduced in June 2019 after public consultation and is being brought before Parliament again following the General Election and being mentioned by the Queen in her speech last year.
You can reach out to Mamta Saha on her Instagram @saha_mamta and on her Twitter @ThinkSpaLondon
