While South Asian Heritage Month celebrates culture and identity, it must also prompt honest conversations about hidden issues, like domestic abuse. In many South Asian communities, family honour and stigma silence victims, making speaking out feel like shame instead of a path to healing.
Jasminder* (name changed), a British Sikh woman in her 40s, was raised outside of London in a ‘seen but not heard’ environment and endured years of abuse in her marriage, hidden behind closed doors and masked by community respectability. Her story is not an isolated one. By acknowledging these painful realities during South Asian Heritage Month, we can begin to challenge the silence and build a culture where survivors are supported, not shamed.
Speaking to Asian Voice, Jasminder* said, “I was born into a typical Indian household with two brothers and a sister, but the boys were definitely favoured. Our physical needs were met, there was food and clothing, but emotionally, we were neglected. My parents were strict, and I felt I had to comply. It left me with low self-worth. I didn’t think I was capable of much and I learned to make myself small, to not stand out.”
Reflecting on how childhood shaped her adult life, Jasminder* said, “I grew up in a home where I wasn’t seen or heard. It turned me into a people pleaser, always trying to earn love. I was academic and driven, but burnt out. When my parents said only the boys could go to university, I worked three jobs to pay my own way—studying became my escape.”
She added, “I eventually entered a relationship that mirrored my upbringing, emotionally distant, yet familiar. Though it was a love marriage, his family quickly took control. I was pressured to give up a job in London, forced to move in with them, treated like a servant, and isolated from my family. They criticised my dowry, took my husband’s savings, and made even studying for law exams difficult. Everything was designed to keep me powerless.”
Speaking about finding the strength to leave, Jasminder* said, “My body had had enough. During Covid, we were living in cramped conditions with my in-laws and two children, and I was breaking down. I was trying to juggle work, the chores and home-school the children. He worked for the NHS and continued to work but wouldn’t help at home, and I tried to hide how I felt from the kids. I’d go for runs in the morning just to cry. I was deeply depressed. My son’s behaviour started to change, and I realised I couldn’t let my children grow up thinking this was what love looked like. It was impacting my health and theirs, so I had no choice but to leave.”
Jasminder* stressed the importance of sharing stories within the South Asian community. “We’re taught to keep everything inside the home, to never speak out, but that silence isn’t healthy,” she said. “If I had heard other women talk about their bad marriages or divorces, maybe I wouldn’t have stayed for over 15 years. Maybe my children and I could’ve been free sooner.” She believes children need to be taught self-respect and self-love, not just obedience. “We teach them to respect elders, but not themselves. No one taught me that growing up, so I entered marriage thinking I had to serve and stay silent. Domestic abuse is so common because of how differently boys and girls are raised. Mothers need to let their sons grow up and be independent, and daughters should always know her parents' door is always open.”
Heritage and hard truths
Speaking about South Asian Heritage Month, Jasminder* said, “It’s the right time to be open about experiences like mine. Domestic abuse is still common in our culture, especially because of how many of us were raised, to stay silent and keep up appearances. If more people shared their stories, others might recognise unhealthy patterns in their own relationships and feel less alone.”
She added, “If we don’t confront these issues, we risk losing the culture anyway, because young girls won’t want to carry it forward if it’s tied to control and unhappiness. Religion teaches equality, but culture often enforces outdated expectations. It’s time to be honest and make that distinction.”
Jasminder* believes community leaders, religious institutions, and heritage organisations should use South Asian Heritage Month to raise awareness and create safer spaces. “They could do more, like what Refuge does, by offering temporary housing, food, clothing, or even someone to talk to,” she said. “When I left, I had nowhere to go and had to rely on my parents with two kids. It would have helped to have a safe space, even briefly. Places like gurdwaras and temples should be more welcoming to single parents and speak openly about issues like domestic abuse and divorce. We need to normalise the idea that it’s okay to leave an unhealthy relationship.”
Offering advice to South Asian women in abusive situations, Jasminder* said, “Don’t overthink it, just take that first step and get to safety. There are support networks, and trusted family or friends you can reach out to. That’s not a life anyone deserves. Especially if children are involved, staying for their sake can do more harm, as they’ll grow up thinking abuse is normal. It’s hard, but you owe it to yourself and your children to break the cycle.”
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Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline – which offers a live translation service for all languages – is available on 0808 2000 247 for free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
