Dame Louise Casey's report has said that spouses from overseas has led to a failure of integration in the minority community- especially Bangladeshi and Pakistani community, who bring spouses from abroad. It creates a 'first generation in every generation' phenomenon in which each new generation grows up with a foreign-born parent. This seems particularly prevalent in South Asian communities.
But surprisingly an increasing number of British Asian women are choosing to marry men from South Asia and not from the UK, many of them through arranged marriages. These are not victims of Forced Marriage that are prevalent in some communities, but they are trend setters, deliberately seeking their spouses from abroad. Many claim they are witnessing an extra sense of responsibilities in men from South Asia, many because of their upbringings and exposures.
Anisha Thakker's* heartbreak led to marrying someone from abroad. Speaking to Asian Voice she said, “I married to a man, an alliance through family friends. My story was bit like Mahima's in the film Pardes. My husband who was British-Indian, did not work, whole day watched television, did not do any house work, half the time hung around with friends in pubs, and shouted abuses at me, even started hitting me. I had a job soon but then he soon started drinking away my money. So I left him. I had much difficulty to get a divorce, but in the end I succeeded. Years later I married someone else. But I chose a man from India, because my faith in someone from here was shaken by my own experience.”
The Asian Age wrote about Imrana, a Brit-Pakistani woman who chose her secomd husband from Pakistan, after suffering through her first marriage- very similar to Anisha's story. “My first husband was from the UK. But he was an absolute nightmare. He would spend his evenings out with his mates almost every night and would come home stoned regularly.
“The only reason his parents wanted him to get married was because they thought he would settle down and stop smoking weed. They literally dumped their problem onto me.
“His idea of marriage was having someone to have intimate relations with and a cook. Nothing else.
“I eventually divorced him. His constant weed smoking made him paranoid and he started accusing me of having affairs and other idiotic things.
“It took me about two years to be ready to get married again. But this time I wanted a husband from Pakistan. I didn’t want to go through the same experience.”
Harpreet Kaur told Asian Voice, “My parents never cared whether we sisters marry men from here or India. I first visited India (Punjab) when I was 19 and I just loved it. I moved to India for higher study, because I wanted to be closer to my roots. I was introduced to my future husband by my uncle in Delhi, soon we started talking over the phone and meeting. I liked him, there was a courtship of 2 years, and then I married him. We came back to the UK recently, he as my dependent.
“Indian men are generally more accountable, something they are taught from childhood- to take responsibility of the family as a male member. Though often that creates inequalities than not among genders, but in the long run, it is a quality I was looking for in my future partner, and found in Ajay. Moreover given his education and exposure, he believes in sharing responsibilities equally- that works very well for me.”
Karthik Jagannathan, a marriage counseller said, “In the era of virtual love, internet and dating sites, it is indeed interesting to see people finding love and stability through arranged marriages across oceans. Of course the way such marriages work has changed. Seldom an educated woman meets a man, and marries him on the second date. The courtship period helps to familiraise with one's ways.”
(*Name changed on request)
