As a part of The Royal Pharmaceutical Society’s work around inclusion and diversity for February’s LGBT History Month, Vimal, a South Asian pharmacist has taken a commendable initiative with stupendous courage to share his experiences growing up and working as a gay man.
Being the eldest child made it much more difficult for Vimal to express his feelings and thoughts, let alone to come out as a gay man. Growing up in a South Asian household, his life was planned out right before his eyes, there was an expectation to have an assisted marriage to the opposite sex within the community the moment that you graduate.
Having a relationship with someone of a different caste or race was frowned upon and discussed by the elders in the community in a negative way, so adding same-sex attraction into that pot made it nearly impossible for him to come out to his family.
Vimal used his profession as a distraction to hide who he was. “The more I focussed on my role as a pharmacist, then the less I thought about the reality of my life. I was openly out to most of my friends and to all my work colleagues, but never to my family and kept it that way for a long time,” Vimal said.
“I believe that my sexuality is a part of me and does not define my professionalism or integrity. I let patients make their own assumptions, but I have never faced any discrimination with regard to my sexual orientation from them. As long as they have the right advice and treatment, I find they’re not particularly interested in dissecting my personal life!” he added.
Here are a few excerpts from Vimal’s exclusive interaction with Asian Voice.
What the Asian community needs to learn about the LGBT community
The issue for me with Asian communities is that whilst they have a great sense of community, everyone sticks to a pre-arranged set of should and should-not. If any individual deviates from this, their name, and that of their family, is tarnished. This name and shaming of individuals and their families for being homosexual, going out with somebody outside their caste, religion, race, or not adhering to the cultural code need to stop. It is these outdated practices that have prevented others from coming out or trying to be themselves because the people in the community they would normally go to for advice are the same ones that will ostracise them.
Marriage is classed as one of the biggest celebrations in Asian culture. There is pressure for people to get married, sometimes by assistance and sometimes by using “emotional blackmail” if they do not hurry up and find a bride/ groom. This is even more difficult if you are LGBT. There are many that go through marriages of convenience (eg a gay man marrying a lesbian woman of the same caste) just to please their families and community. It disgusts me that south Asian LGBT members have been coerced to go through this. The individuals that go through this lead a double life, keeping their family and community happy, but indirectly ruining their own lives.
This leads to the next point that mental health issues are rife in LGBT people, and even more so if you are both South Asian and LGBT. Yet mental health is another taboo subject alongside LGBT, so it’s very difficult to get help.
If these issues do not get discussed, then how will the Asian community move on? Asian community leaders must no longer brush this issue to the side and must speak to their congregations about the need for acceptance. They are the ones that can pioneer this and promote acceptance of LGBT members and make them feel welcome; currently, I feel that the Asian community has no value for me in my life which is a shame.
Advice for readers of Asian Voice
My advice is before you intend to come out, ensure that you are not living in the family home as that will make it easier for you in case the conversation goes sour or they do not accept you coming out. Please do be strong and be prepared to answer any questions that they have and try not to be intimated. Good points to make would be:
- Only God can judge
- I hope as your son/daughter we can work together towards a place of acceptance and understanding
- Don’t worry about what people will say; people will always talk about something or someone
Keep on persisting with your family and most importantly, stick to your guns whilst keeping the door open for communication. Remember, use your friends as emotional support as I have found that my friends are like my family.
How Asian families can support a member of the LGBT community at home
They need to learn that is not forbidden to be LGBT, there is nothing wrong with having a child who is LGBT. The same goes if your child is born with a disability, you would not disown a child with a disability, so why would you disown a child who is LGBT?
They also need to stop worrying about community and cultural pressures, they need to be aware there is a lot of support out there, there are LGBT groups that support parents who have LGBT members in their families. They must learn that accepting your child/children is a part of being a good parent.
