Scene: Prime Minister's Office, Islamabad
Characters:
- Prime Minister Imran Shariff Bhutto Hacker: A well-meaning but often befuddled puppet leader.
- General Munir: The ever-strategic and verbose military chief.
- Bernard Woolley: The earnest Principal Private Secretary, caught between duty and honesty.
[The Prime Minister is seated at his desk, looking over a draft speech. Bernard enters.]
Bernard: Prime Minister, General Munir is here to see you.
PM Hacker: Ah, splendid. Send him in, Bernard.
[General Munir enters, impeccably dressed in his uniform, adorned with an impressive array of medals which reach around his back.]
General Munir: Good morning, Prime Minister.
PM Hacker: Good morning, General. Please, have a seat.
General Munir: Thank you.
PM Hacker: Now, about this recent... ahem... skirmish. Oh and congratulations on being made a Field Marshall.
General Munir: Ah, yes. The "Decisive Victory Operation," as we've termed it. And yes, I thought I should promote myself with a title suitable to my greatness. Never lost one yet you know. Never fought one, mind you, but that’s why I am undefeated.
PM Hacker: Indeed. Though, from the reports I've seen, it appears we didn't quite achieve our objectives.
General Munir: Prime Minister, success in military terms is often a matter of perspective. It says so in my military encyclopaedia and memoir -I’ve titled it “Vanity Fair” – after my favourite magazine.
PM Hacker: Perspective? We lost, didn't we? The blasted Indians fired into Pakistan, not just the bits we stole in 1947 but the bits we stole in 1948 as well. And they hit our nuclear facility and then had the gaul to say they didn’t, so we would have to say “oh yes you did”. I nearly fell for that trap of theirs. And they took our some of our best terrorist training camps. First the Americans take out Bin Laden, then last year the Iranians shoot missiles at our terror camps and now even the Indians. What is this “open shop on Pakistan”. We’re corned. Might as well call it the Republic of Pakistani Corner Shop.
General Munir: Temporarily, perhaps. But consider this: by not achieving our stated objectives, we've maintained the status quo, which, in itself, is a form of victory.
PM Hacker: I'm not sure the public will see it that way.
General Munir: Then we must guide their perception. We did the terror attack so I could be more popular than ever. Soon, you will be gone (I ahem, I mean in the usual democratic process) and the people will call on me to save them.
PM Hacker: Guide their perception?
General Munir: Precisely. We emphasize the bravery of our troops.
PM Hacker: But won't the facts contradict that narrative? The troops got hit throughout all of Pakistan. Whereas we came close to something in Gujarat for god’s sake. It’s not like the Keralans or the Tamils even new we were around. They covered all of Pakistan. And we had to go the IMF and on top of that we had to call them for a cease fire.
General Munir: Facts, Prime Minister, are often subject to interpretation.
PM Hacker: Hmm. Bernard, what's your take on this?
Bernard: Well, Prime Minister, it's a bit like calling a loss a win if you shout loudly enough. Half our people think we won the world cup – the football one! We will be fine.
PM Hacker: Exactly. And if we don't shout, someone else will.
General Munir: Precisely. It's imperative we control the narrative.
PM Hacker: Very well. Let's proceed with the "Decisive Victory" narrative.
General Munir: Excellent decision, Prime Minister. I shall send our diplomats to all the countries that support us – both of them. And don’t forget, next month, we take up the Chairmanship of the UN Security Council.
Bernard: Well timed indeed. We still got it. We might not have much, but we got terror. You can’t tariff that export Mr Trump. I'll prepare the press release, then.
PM Hacker: Make sure it emphasizes our strategic success and the valour of our forces. Poor boys, never won a war yet. Still haven’t got over 1971.
Bernard: Of course, Prime Minister.
General Munir: And perhaps a parade to celebrate our... strategic success?
PM Hacker: Splendid idea. Nothing boosts morale like a good parade. Make sure you show of our finest Chinese missiles.
Bernard: Ummm…yes, the made in China thing hasn’t worked out so well. We, ummm, might need a refund on that.
PM Hacker: Oh great! Get the Head of the World Bank on the phone. I need a drink of water. I am sure he will agree we won and why we need more loans.
[They all stand, the atmosphere filled with a sense of orchestrated triumph.]
[End Scene]