A company owner is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and decides to get the opinions of his employees. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?" The worker thinks and says, "Well... I suppose so."
The boss frowns because that wasn't the answer he was expecting, but presses on, "Do you think you could still do your job if you'd had two bottles of vodka in the morning?"
The worker nods and says he probably could. The man, now becoming exasperated, asks, "What if you'd had three bottles?"
The worker replies, "I'm here, aren't I?"
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The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a book about their family history. However, they were devastated to discover that great uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.
McCourt said, "Leave it to me."
When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read:
"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."
***********
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, she stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"