Visiting the aquarium during feeding time, a hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "You know, I could hypnotise the shark." "You're crazy! He'll rip you limb to limb," the feeder said, laughing, "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest." The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank. "I thought you could hypnotise him." the feeder sneered. "I did," said the hypnotist said holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."
***
A couple are debating whether computers are male or female. "Definitely female," said the husband. "You spend half of your salary on accessories for them and even the smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for use at a later date." "Nope," said the wife. "They're male. To get their attention, you have to turn them on and as soon as you commit to one, you realise you could have got a better model if you'd waited longer.
***
A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to check on him. "How are you feeling?" she asks. "I'm okay," he says, "but I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used during the surgery." "What did he say," she asks. "Oops."
***
A human resources official was visited by a member of staff who wanted to make a formal complaint about his line manager. The boss had described him as "indecisive" which he felt was grossly unfair. As the official helped him prepare his case, he noticed the appraisal was almost a year old. "Why has it taken you so long to come and see me?" he asked. "Well," he said, "I couldn't make up my mind if it was the right thing to do or not."
***
First thing every single morning, one of the secretaries in an office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horoscope aloud. "Gwen", said the boss one day, "You seem to be a normal, level-headed person. Do you really believe in astrology?" "Of course not," Gwen replied. "You know how skeptical Capricorns are."